still flowing

energy, thoughts, flow


02 january 2014

This post is probably one of the most self-reflective I will ever write so I’m sorry if it’s boring or vague to the point of being meaningless to the reader. Everything we do’s ultimately an exercise of the ego, right? Blogging being an activity more self-indulgement than most, I’d imagine- Anyways. I’ll throw some nice pics in to spice things up for you.

2013 was an interesting year for me. There were a number of exciting firsts: first job search, first job rejection, first job acquired, first job lost (quit, really, but it feels like lost), first time living with an SO, first time having my own pets, first time seeing a therapist truly of my own accord…

There’s both good and bad in there. Unfortunately I had to leave my job towards the end of the year due to overwhelming mental stress. That’s been bumming me out for the last couple months, but it’s OK. It’s what I needed to do. After years of projection and denial, I’m finally admitting to myself that my life isn’t as rosy as I pretended. My family’s got some issues. My relationship has some issues. I definitely have issues. Stanford was such a challenge for me socially that I think I just had my head down, blinders on, trying to survive any way I knew how. Now that I’ve got some distance and am able to do some self-reflection, I can make sense of all the negative emotion I had while I was up there. I can start to parse the terrible things that happened between myself and people I cared about and hopefully begin to repair those wounds. I can admit to myself that it wasn’t all my fault, but some of it was. I can start to turn my mind towards solving real problems, pursuing passions, and improving the lives of those I care about.

I remember having a conversation with a friend about Albert Einstein. He had read a biography on Einstein and the tidbit of wisdom my friend dispensed to me went something like this: “Einstein was big on separating Einstein the person from Einstein the scientist. Separating his self from his accomplishments.” I took this as a method to protect my ego while continuing to put myself out there in the world. Being driven to accomplish things, but being able to laugh when you fall a bit short. Being able to receive criticism and praise and realize that it’s okay either way. Being able to recognize that everyone has their own unique circumstances that have a definitively not minor role in shaping what they do and say. That was about 6 years, when I had this conversation with my friend. I think I’m finally at a point where I can begin to try and live that wisdom. Here’s to not taking yourself too seriously, but also, here’s to using that enlightenment to accomplish meaningful goals.

I have been truly blessed on this planet to be born into the circumstances I was born into. For too long I’ve been squandering that blessing by being fearful and lazy. 2014 will hopefully be about improving myself but also about truly turning myself towards helping those around me and improving the world. As I’m reading these last sentences back to myself they sounds a little lofty, a lil’ highfalutin, a lil’ self-important, but that’s ok. The most important determinant of personal happiness is perception, and if I can stay this positive through the next year I won’t have the choice but to accomplishment stuff. Fuck yeah!